Sunday, October 24, 2010

Burn Out

I'm a couple days behind on pictures. Sure, I've been taking lots of pictures. Been keeping up with my New Year's Goal every day, even though it started getting old back in June. The last few days have provided me wonderful opportunities to be social and visit with friends and their extra adorable children, and for our children to play together until they drop. It's Fall Break. And we've been enjoying it.
But there's a part of me, ok, a significant part, that's sad. Why does God put such a desire for children on those that have trouble getting pregnant? We haven't been trying Hard, I'm not temping, but I haven't been stopping the process either, and the last few weeks I just feel so heavy hearted about it. Do I want more kids? Oh yes. I've got these wonderful amazing boys, and my heart just bursts with love and pride that they've been loaned to me. How can I not want more? But the body does not work with the heart. And it seems to be such with so many of my friends. It saddens me.
I heard of a surprise baby, someone who had no problems getting pregnant, and I'm happy for them. I am Genuinely Happy for them. But as I'm saying congratulations I feel the tears come. Suddenly I feel my mind growing, calling, "You're happy, you're happy. Dammit, You're Happy." But part of me is not happy. Part of me is Jealous.
So though I've been taking lots of beautiful pictures of friends and their sweet children, I look at these kids I love, and just want more kids to love of my own. I'm having a bit of trouble finding the words to post pictures.


Carrie said...

Awww, Cathy. I am sorry to hear it :(. I know this weighs heavy on your heart. You really are so blessed...two beautiful boys, a gorgeous new home (okay, I'M JEALOUS!!!)...when the timing is right it will happen. I know that one way or another, baby #3 will come :).

Suellen said...

Cathy - I understand your jealousy. I hope that your body aligns with your heart soon. If you need to vent, you know where to find me.

Unknown said...

I completely understand. For the past 3 years I've had a hard time being happy for my friends when they tell me they're pregnant. Last year I finally gave up after the fertility drugs didn't work again. I think I finally found peace with God but my heart still ached. I hope that you find that peace.