What the He*% does that mean?

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Everyone has a wonderful story to tell, of when they discovered they were pregnant.  Usually, there's love, and smiles, and tears.  In my home, always tears of Joy.  Christopher's story was a wonderful one, full of surprise for both of us.  Sam's story was equally wonderful, I had suspected, I was feeling tremendously hormonal, but was so happy to surprise Eric by taping the test to the mirror at 5 in the morning, and just waiting for him to wake up, and run across the house.  It's funny, when I think about it,

On Wednesday, we did not know what to think.  Tuesday night, I'd been running with Kathleen, feeling gross and bloaty, and thinking it's time for the good drugs to make me start my cycle.  I have weirdo cycles.  Thus the dealing with Infertility for a decade. But every time I call the doctor, for the drugs or to get in for the weirdness, the first thing she always asks, and I told Kathleen this, "Have you taken a pregnancy test?"  So as we were running, I made a note to get to the store the next day to pick one up.  However, I started feeling really crappy, my sore throat had become sniffles too.  I did not feel like going to the store.  At the end of the day, after the kids were down, Eric felt bad for me.  I had such intentions  of Productivity.

So he ran to the store for me and bought some tests.  Kroger - the pregnancy test.  For the record.
In an effort to just get it out of the way.  I took the test.  Imagine my surprise when this was the result I received.

Isn't it kind that they print the key right there on the pregnancy test?  So nice that they tell you what it should look like.  Than what the hell have I got?!

It's not a plus sign.  It's not a negative line.  Looks to me like I have two parallel lines and a false baseline.  What the hell does that mean?  I had no idea.  I stared at it for 3 minutes.  Because you're  supposed to give it a few, this was what flared up right away.  I didn't get it.  

And instead of the romantic reveal that every wife wants to give her husband, I called mine into the bathroom pointed at the pee stick and asked, "What the hell does this mean?"  

He didn't know either.  So I did the next logical thing.  I took a picture, and emailed to my sister, who is familiar with all manner of quirky things uterine.  She didn't know what to make of it either.  She wanted me to take another test...from a different box.  (Eric got 2 boxes.  We don't mess around, we bulk up when buying pgc tests.  We go through them. Sad but true  Used to get the Sam's club cases of them, but they stopped selling them.  Meh, we switched to Costco.)  Anyway, she and I yapped a while until I had to pee again.  Meanwhile Eric looked up on the internet, and he found somewhere that said if you're 'so pregnant, the dye gets all sucked up by the hcg line' leaving no dye for the baseline.  What the heck does that mean, "So Pregnant?"?!?!?

An hour or so later, I took another test, it had a bit more of a baseline.  So, we called it a Positive....kind of.

So Loved

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Last Saturday, one of my friends from college had a baby shower.  We were all so excited about this Marriage last year, and now this baby is so loved, so wanted.  It warms my heart to see a baby so loved, so wanted, and so spoiled before they even get here.  Baby S. is gonna be one of those babies.   It sucks, a lot, when you're dealing with infertility issues to have lots of people around you get pregnant, bugs me even more when they don't seem to have any difficulty or even care.  That bitterness can sometimes come through, take over, eat at my Joy.   But that was not the case here.  There was only Joy and Love at this shower, and catching up and laughing with Friends I hadn't seen in a while.

Jill really loved the blanket I made for Baby Girl S.  They know the name, but they aren't telling.  I know how tempting it is to confess to all.  But sometimes it's good to make sure the new name is a good fit for the child in question.  We were about 75% sure that Sam was going to be Samuel Elijah, not Elijah Samuel as I had plugging for.  We decided to wait and see if he was a Sam in character or an Elijah.  Oh yes, he was a Sam. I can't wait to hear what her name is going to be. 

We had a gaggle of Butler friends there, from the generation of Craig and I, down through Jill's.   How I love getting together with these folks, a couple hours just wasn't enough.  We need to get all the yahoos together again soon, with spouses and kids, I think.   

It was fun to meet our friends Joe and Kate's most recent little one Baby Lucie, 3 months old already.  

 Yeah, I got my baby snuggle fix.  

As hard as it is when the uterus doesn't do what I want it to do, I enjoyed being around these gals for whom it's finally working out.  And even hearing stories about how rough it is for my friends with 3 or more doesn't really deter me from wanting more.  Little Beauties like this just make my uterus do somersaults.  It makes my heart open up and continue to want more.  Though in the mean time, getting to snuggle a while, until they start to get a little fussy, then give them back, is pretty nice too.

First Day of School and the Flashbacks

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Today was Sam's first day of school.  Preschool.  My baby.  My baby boy.  I thought I was ok with this.  But I'm not.

It's not him, it's me. Oh yeah, he was ready.  So very ready to go to school.  

But seeing my baby walk off into the sunset with his Daddy, reminded me of another time when I sent my baby off  to school.  And remembering that, was when today started getting really sad for me.  

Flashback:  

 To the left- Daddy walks Chris to the bus, aboard steps as big as he was.  I put him on that bus and cried for an hour.  Granted I was pregnant at the time, but when I sent Christopher off to St. Andrew's in the fall.  Oh the Joy.  It was a second home for him.  We'd been Blessed by people I'd gotten to know since before Chris was even born, they'd been teachers for my nieces, my husband, my brothers in law.  And then they retired.  And I'm left sending Sam to a church where I don't KNOW them.

Of course, that didn't stop Sam from being ecstatic about going.  He was totally thrilled. He wasn't even sad that this wasn't the same school we sent him to Parents Day Out last year.  We didn't go there, because frankly I didn't want to commute that far multiple days a week.  I did a little hunting around town, and this church topped my list off friend's recommendations, because they're kids turned out great, and Location, Location, Location.  But I was busy on the registration open house day back in the spring, and I sent Eric to meet people.  So really, this week was the first time I got to meet them.  I prayed.  I trust in God to send me good vibes if this was a good fit for Sam, and God came through.  At the open house when they were introducing the teachers, the Spirit brought tears to my eyes at their Joy and Enthusiasm. They genuinely loved kids, were enchanted by my kids, and were trying to get to know Sam, though Sam was on the move the other way.  

 I felt good about our choice.  What is even more important, really is that Sam was excited about it.  

He hopped right in.  Putting his backpack on the adorable hook with his name on it.  

And when we got in the classroom, he got to pick up an apple with his name on it, and put it on the tree, to sign in, but it also says to me, every kid in this class is a Gift from God, and the staff see that too.  I really liked that about this church.  I want my kids to be Cherished by their teachers as I cherish them.  

It wasn't until I was leaving that I got really Sad.  Sam was having a wonderful time, wanted to get down to business.  he was thrilled with his teacher,  happy in his class, happy ignoring me.

But driving away, I started to get really sad.  Not entirely sad because he was gone, because my car was empty and no one was bugging me to listen to Jake and the Neverland Pirates songs, but because this was completely different from Chris.  I knew his teachers.  I had a close friend in class, that we would go for breakfast when we dropped the kids off.  And I didn't have that today.  I missed my friend.  Our littles were supposed to be going to St. A's together, just like the big sibs.  I missed running across the street for bagels and beverages.  And I missed knowing so many of the parents.  It's not the same. 

It's not what I wanted it to be for Sam.  Sam's the first Willman from this branch in 33 years to not go to preschool at St. Andrews.  It's wear they went.  It's what I wanted for my boys, for both of them. I'm so sad that they decided to close the preschool after Mrs. D retired.   I don't like change.  I don't like this change. I'm sad about the whole thing. I'm sad that the school isn't where I wanted to be.  And I'm sad that I'm not where I wanted to be.  I was pregnant with Sam when I started Chris in his first year of preschool.  I wanted to be pregnant again, but that's not in the cards.  I've been pretty accepting of God's plan in that regard, overall, but today, today it was a little overwhelming that it seems like so much is not where I wanted to be.  

Even just writing that down, I see the error of my ways, "what I want" , it's not about me.  Or is it? Is it about me learning something?  It stinks. 

For sure though, it's about Sam. This is about where God needs Sam to be.  There are some aspects of this school that really charge me up, and rather than get sad and sappy about who the teacher isn't, who isn't in his class etc.  I need to focus on the Gift she is, the joy and enthusiasm and love she'll bring to my Sam.  I need to focus on the many joys I have, the great friends that checked up on me, make sure I was doing ok in an empty house.  Empty house was weird, but I kept busy on facebook sharing pics of how adorable Sam was this morning.  That smile makes even the saddest moments happier.  

Christopher was very worried about me this morning.  I didn't want to jump up and down for joy in front of him at the thought of having 3 hours alone.  He seemed to worry what I was going to do with myself.  So I told him I would be sad. Not entirely an untruth.  I told him, I'd probably try to keep myself busy, and that I would most likely go to the store.  I shopped out my feelings, and overdid it at Costco.  And Thankfully, my hub stepped in to cover while I recover.  But I'm a bit of a sore mess this evening.  

It's just hard when my plan, and reality don't line up.  Maybe this is Exactly what God wants, me to humble up a bit, and simply accept what's coming our way, how raising each boy is so different, that they are Supposed to be different.  

Starbucks Days

Surely I'm not the only one to prefer a lovely green beverage on St. Patrick's Day. For me it was trying a Green Tea frappuccino.



I hadn't tried one before and turns out it is Not my favorite, but it was Perfect for a Green Day.

Unfortunately, I've been smacked with migraines the last two days. How Rude. Gotta be hormonal in origin as I just got my second shot this week. It's been a long time since I've had these, so much so that I didn't remember them being a side effect of the lupron until I remembered getting them while I was working at the mill, and sitting in my office with the lights off and my sunglasses on.

It started Thursday creeping up the back of my neck, and into my brain. And if I die here in the next couple of days you'll know it was a brain aneurysm and not a migraine. They kind of feel the same right now. It's been coming and going, and fortunately (or unfortunately) if I drink something big from Starbucks, it seems to stave it off for a bit.

We had a house showing today, which involved a lot more activity than curling up in a ball and going back to bed, crying, which is what I really wanted to do. But the sweetboys won't let me.

And apparently we packed up the Exedrine Migraine. Grr...

So I gave myself an ulcer and took a couple tylenol, couple ibuprofen, and chased it with a giant Caramel Macchiato. When we drove through, as you can imagine, Everyone in the car wanted something: Chris - his cocoa, and Sam - his Fafo (water). But what shocked me most of all was they even offered Fina a treat, A Pup Cup.




She was a big fan of the Pup Cup. It was a Cup full of Whipped Cream. She went bonkers and licked it Dry.



And we felt good enough to go back to the zoo to see play outside for a bit. We stayed away from the crowds, somehow just the boys outdoors, with my sunglasses on a really cloudy day was enough for the starbucks and drugs to work for a while...long enough for us to come home and Nap.

Hope this migraine business ends soon, I'm over it.

Mr. Big Shot

If Uterine updates are Too Much Information for you, than please disregard the rest of this post.

I have been accused of being pregnant. No. I wish. And believe, if I had such a miracle occur, I would be Praising God from the highest rooftops, and you all would KNOW. I think I waited all of two days after a positive pregnancy test with Sam before I announced it on the internet to all the world (or at least to the 5 of you that read). I can't keep a secret like that.

Back at the beginning of December, I popped over to my OBs office, because I was starting to have symptoms of Endometriosis returning, specifically I was bleeding every two weeks, and my cycles were getting Quite painful, like I want to just go to bed and wake up in a week. Well, the boys aren't going to let me do that, as you can imagine. Now for those that don't know, it took us 4 years of trial and error to figure out my problem with getting pregnant for us to Have Christopher. When we decided we were ready for another, we knew what worked, so we did the same treatment for Endometriosis, and combined with a lot of waiting, we had Sam about 16 months after treatment started. So, Sam was a downright Bargain having to only wait a year and 1700$. Really, I'm so blessed that we Know what my fertility problem is, and that we have a sort of fix.
In this rounds case, we hadn't really worked out for sure if we were going to Go For another baby or not. However, the endometriosis symptoms are just inconvenient. And really, it buys me a fairly cyclically peaceful year to just go forward with the lupron treatment.
Oh, what is Lupron? Well, it's a fabulously annoying drug that effectively puts my body into menopause. See Endometriosis is when you have uterine tissue (that bleeds monthly) outside of the uterus. How it gets there they don't really know. But when I had my laparoscopic surgery (exploratory) in November 2003, they found this 'stuff' almost like a mold growing on the outside of my uterus, ovaries, abdominal wall, and even on my colon. It's like a mold that thrives on estrogen. It wasn't the Worst case, but it's still not very good. So while my doctor was in there, he took a laser and zapped off what he could. Unfortunately, it's Very Bad to laser zap a colon, so he couldn't touch that. The other treatment is Lupron. And it puts your body into menopause and thereby starves it of estrogen. With no estrogen, the endo mold stuff just kind of dies off, and then your body can go back to normal. In my case the off cycle bleeding and terrible cramping disappeared, and my body started a 30 day cycle, for a few months, which had never happened in my life. And Poof, I got pregnant with Chris. We tried the same thing, and Poof, Sam! So, I guess we're going to go again. We may not go Poof again in a year, but at least I won't be bleeding for a week every two weeks, which is Uncool.


Have I mentioned I HATE insurance companies, and prescription companies for that matter? No? We'll Here's Why (for this month anyway)...

Back in December my OB ordered Lupron, last time, November of 2007, I did a three month $1700 shot (1 shot lasting 3 mos) course of treatment. Well, this time my new (well I've only had her for the last 3 years) wants to do a 6 month course of treatment. Ugh. That's a bummer, I thought, I'll be hot flashing into summer. Ugh.
But then she tosses out that she wants to put me on progesterone at the same time, that keeps the hot flashes to a minimum. Hot Dog! Hot flashes were really my only nasty symptom. No periods and no hot flashes for the bargain price 1700$, Sign me up!
Unfortunately, insurance and prescription companies are Dumb. Let's sum up: I called them three timess in December, first they wanted insurance info...for my payment, which would have been in full, if they'd gotten their shit together and sent it to me in December, because we had met our deductible. Fast forward to January, still have no drugs, still having painful periods. And I call to complain and demand my drugs be backdated because I shouldn't have to pay because they are dumb. No, "That's Insurance Fraud, we can't do that." GRRRR...

Don't use Carascripts.

So instead I have to pay $750 a month for the next 6 months for these drugs. Fine. We'll probably be hitting our deductible with Chris before this is all said and done, but still, that's A lot of Money. A Lot. Makes me mad. But then again, can you set a price limit on pain, or on even the possibility of another child? No. So I cave. And they send the drugs.
Well, two weeks ago, I get a call from FedEx asking for Dr. H, um, that's my old ob's name, but she doesn't live here. They say, they are trying to deliver the drugs to my current obs office, to the name of my old ob. Really? Good thing I live close, I just had them drive it to my house. But there was much flipping out, from me, from FedEx.
And Oh, did I call and complain. That's Twice, they've Messed up big.

So now, I have drugs, what the heck am I supposed to do with a syringe whose needle is as long as my pinky finger. I'm sure as heck not putting into my own back side...and neither is Eric.

AND by this time I'm waiting for another cycle to come about, because you know I wouldn't want to start the Treatment, on the off chance I might just be Miraculously Pregnant. Wouldn't you know, this was the first month in ages that a. I didn't bleed every two weeks, and b. I was slightly overdue. So just when I start entertaining the notion of being pregnant and not having to use this:



I started Monday. :(

I called yesterday (Wednesdays are my OBs day to be in Bburg) and they squeezed me in so the nurse could shoot me up. I guess it's a good thing, good that the next few months are going to be pain and hot flash free. But I still feel crappy. So please don't accuse me of being pregnant and not telling, I'm so far from pregnant it's not even funny. I'm in a bad mood, Stressed out and Sad.

On the up side, Chris was very proud of me, that I did not Cry. I didn't even feel it. There's a perk for a big bottom, can't even feel the giant needle go in, just a little burn. Chris told me I did a "good job" and that I should have a lollipop. Just so happened they had some, so we all left the doctor's office happily slurping away on lollipops. It must have been a while, because I didn't realize how scrumptious dum-dums can really be, particularly the Savannah Blueberry!

Burn Out

I'm a couple days behind on pictures. Sure, I've been taking lots of pictures. Been keeping up with my New Year's Goal every day, even though it started getting old back in June. The last few days have provided me wonderful opportunities to be social and visit with friends and their extra adorable children, and for our children to play together until they drop. It's Fall Break. And we've been enjoying it.
But there's a part of me, ok, a significant part, that's sad. Why does God put such a desire for children on those that have trouble getting pregnant? We haven't been trying Hard, I'm not temping, but I haven't been stopping the process either, and the last few weeks I just feel so heavy hearted about it. Do I want more kids? Oh yes. I've got these wonderful amazing boys, and my heart just bursts with love and pride that they've been loaned to me. How can I not want more? But the body does not work with the heart. And it seems to be such with so many of my friends. It saddens me.
I heard of a surprise baby, someone who had no problems getting pregnant, and I'm happy for them. I am Genuinely Happy for them. But as I'm saying congratulations I feel the tears come. Suddenly I feel my mind growing, calling, "You're happy, you're happy. Dammit, You're Happy." But part of me is not happy. Part of me is Jealous.
So though I've been taking lots of beautiful pictures of friends and their sweet children, I look at these kids I love, and just want more kids to love of my own. I'm having a bit of trouble finding the words to post pictures.