Sunday, September 23, 2012


Ever have one of those moments, you can pin it down, to where your world changed?  Up until that point, they usually include someone with a ring, or a little bitty + sign on a stick.  But did you ever think it would include Facebook?  Me neither, but mine did.

Most of you already know what happened on Thursday, about my niece Kaylee.  One of those moments:  what were you doing when---?

I  had dropped off Sam at preschool, and gone to the chiropractor.  I wasn't sure if I was having a massage or not, turned out not.  So after my adjustment, I went home and was playing Songpop with my sister on the computer.  As I'd been driving home, I was struck, at how simply Blessed I am.  My issues earlier in the week had gone from unable to breathe, to being able to run the night before.   And the boys have both been healthy lately.  My biggest worry up to that point was what snack should Sam bring for his school class.  I came home and wrote as such.  Then saw that my sister in law, Amy, was requesting prayers on fb, because she was taking Kaylee in to the doctor because she was pale.  She said there were some pretty scary possibilities.  I prayed that Kaylee be ok, and moved on.  I picked up Sam, and came back home, sat back down at the computer, the first thing to pop up was from Amy's Mom, all it said was "It's Leukemia."  WHAT?!?!?!
I looked back at her page, and there was a prayer request from a bit earlier saying they were headed to Riley for testing for marrow issues.  I called Amy,  no answer, phones don't work for crap in Riley.  I called Mom W. She hadn't seen it, next thing I know we were both crying way too much for phone conversation.  Finally I fb'd Amy's Mom, and she gave me the scoop.  The initial bloodwork at the doctor had been disturbing enough to send them straight to the Riley ER.  Further tests were ordered and they were being admitted for a blood transfusion. They were looking at cancer.  But they wanted to do a blood marrow biopsy Friday morning.  Nothing had been confirmed for sure...yet.

Amy sent around this picture.  They had that sweet girl in the ER until 7:30 that night before they could get her into a room.  And look at her face, she still kept smiling.  Even in the face of great unknown, she still retained her beautiful smile and strength. She amazes me.  I just wanted to take her in my arms and tell her how terribly sorry I was.  Why it couldn't be me?  I would gladly trade her.  Why does cancer have to strike such wonderful children?  To make already amazing strong children even more amazing.  Horse Hockey.   And yet, our Kaylee was gearing up for the fight of her life.
And Ryan and Amy, how were they doing?  I can't imagine, and I didn't have any words except to say if they needed anything I was there.  But what would they need, I don't even know if they knew yet.  I wouldn't.  Just maybe immediate needs, food and coverage for home stuff.  And  Alexis, I was very worried about her, but blessedly Grandma T. came to the rescue and met her off the bus, stayed overnight, took her downtown so that they could talk to her and spend some time with her family.  She's a first born like me, a born worrier, like me, and an emotional sponge, like me.  I wanted to help, but had no idea what to do.  The words won't come. Amazing things happened though.  I remembered, I can always Pray.  So I did.  Prayed the day and evening through, for little things, that they would get dinner, for big picture things, Lord let it not be cancer.  Talk about Praying Unceasingly!

It is Surreal.  The rest of the day. I kept praying for it to be a mistake.  And the family came together, talking, texting, posting on the internet, communicating like we never have before.  I wanted to just lose it, but I kept praying we were wrong.  We weren't.  By bedtime, the initial bloodwork confirmed and they knew it was either leukemia or lymphoma.

How do we go about the rest of our day, or the rest of our lives?  Why does the world keep spinning?   Why is the sun shining?  And I remember that feeling, like why is the world continuing, doesn't it know that there is something wrong with my baby?
I remember how the bottom dropped out when Chris was born, and I remember the terrible feelings, that I didn't even know what to do or say.  I feel like I don't know any better now.  I was emotionally exhausted, then, and am now.  I can't rest.  Slept like crap all night, because every time I'd roll over in my beautiful house with my healthy kids I wanted to cry.  I just want to be there, and hold them all, and never let go.


But I continued the motions, doing what we do.  And I'm glad I did.  Chris went to gymnastics after school.  I was so Proud of  him. In spite of Great Fear, he finally did a forward roll in his gymnastics class. So simple, and yet he was so scared.  I blubbered like a baby, thinking how much kids have to face fears, it's so unfair.  But I shouted the loudest for him!  

Then I came home and just held them.  Actually they got annoyed. He had his flush afterwards, and Eric explained that Kaylee was at Riley, that she was sick, so we all prayed for her to get better.   But I couldn't shake the fear, and the only thing I wanted was to sit and snuggle my sweetboys.  So Sam curled up with me and we watched Octonauts.  And I held him until he asked me, if I was all done with my snuggles. 

Never baby, Never. 

Go hug your babies, you never know when life will change.