Saturday, September 29, 2012

Last Saturday


Last Saturday, my friend Amy had a House Party for Fisher Price.  Her living room threw up Imaginext toys.    And the boys went buck wild!  I had anticipated my boys being super crazy, fighting over the toys with the other kids, and having to pry toys from their hands, kicking and screaming.  In fact, in as much of a tizzy as I had been with the news and not knowing news from Kaylee, I really greatly considered not going.  But this is one of my freezer cooking club friends, and these gals know me so well, and I thought maybe just maybe I might Need to go.  
My heart wasn't in it though.  My heart was at the hospital.  Kaylee was to undergo surgery, to create portocath and have a spinal tap, and they were going to start her chemo.  I wanted to be with her.  I needed to hug her.  
But we went.  We were late, because I was on the computer and the phone all morning trying to get the scoop.  But once we arrived, the kids went to play.  And they played pretty well together.  Only once did I have to break up a fight.  And my friends were so kind and supportive, I don't know why I had even considered not going.  I felt their Prayers.  They were as worried about Kaylee as I was, and the combination of group worry made my burden lessen.  
I don't know if that makes sense at all. I have been trying all week to figure out the words that I had been feeling into words.  The words just don't come.  I want to scream and cry.  I want to cuddle up with God, and just bask in his Comfort, and at the same time, I want to convey my hurt and anger to him.  It's a whole hot messy mix of emotions, all flowing at the same time.  
I am not angry at Him.  I know God, and I know he doesn't strike kids with cancer, that's not His way.  I know the evil one is the only one cruel enough to give a kid cancer.  I know God doesn't hand out cancer.  His way of taking enemies out is a bit more direct, he's not a fan of suffering, and He doesn't want to cause children to suffer.  So I want to be by Him.  I want all of us to be With Him.  And Blessedly, my friends and family are with Him.  

They get me.  And their support was so wonderful that morning.  I was able to sit, chat, watch the kids play, watch and enjoy other people's children in their own mix of crazy and cuteness and appreciate them.  Almost normal.  When it was time to go, I got the kids and the car and headed home.  The kids were so excited, they "won" one of the Imaginext toys, they were thrilled to get the racetrack, and couldn't wait to play with it once they got home.  

But believe it or not, they still hadn't taken Kaylee back to surgery.  There had been an emergency and her surgery got pushed back, from 9 a.m. until further notice.  I Could Not sit still.  I called Kathleen.  She had offered the day before to borrow some sweetboys, if I wanted to go to the hospital.  So I cashed in that offer, and ran some boys over to her.  I called Ryan and Amy asking if they wanted some lunch, so I stopped and grabbed Chipotle for them too.  I didn't feel like eating much (weird eh?) but dashed down there, and got there in time to still see Kaylee.  As it turned out I had plenty of time, they didn't take her back until 2:30.  She was still in her room, hungry, but nervous too.  She was such a champ.  Even though people around her wanted and needed to eat, she didn't hardly complain at all about not being able to get more than a sip of water.  MAN!  I would have had a lot more to say.  But Amy, Ryan, and Kaylee are Superchamps of Peace and understanding.    
When they finally took Kaylee back, the great staff kept apologizing profusely for the delay.  They got to Kaylee, and they did such a wonderful job with her.   Her floor nurse was Simply Wonderful.   Amy had said she had such Good Vibes from the oncology staff, and I could see why.  And though Kaylee Needed the procedures she was going to be having, I couldn't help but be particularly thankful I wasn't that Emergency's parent.  So Blessed that it wasn't our girl, or my boys that needed a 5 hour emergency surgery that was "touch and go for a while".  I can be a lot more patient with that kind of perspective.  Let the folks save the lives as they need to be saved.  
I will say I wanted to give her versed, a relaxy drug, since she was nervous and crying a bit.  I hated seeing her nervous.  The take back is hard on parents, but the hardest on the kids.  Amy said she did better than take back the day before.  So sad they have to get used to it.  But it's Especially hard when they are old enough to understand and be scared. Take Back was much easier when Chris was tiny, and the only maniac crying was me.  But the nurse said it wasn't a good idea because they are more loopy coming out of anesthesia.  Bah Humbug.  Anything that helps you relax when you're scared isn't a bad idea.  Anesthesia and morphine make you loopy coming out of anesthesia.  There's no avoiding that.  Aunt Teri agreed with me, but we did not make a scene, and didn't discuss until we were all in surgery waiting.  
But Bah Humbug. 

I got to stay with them for a while, just talking, getting a bit more information about the kind of cancer Kaylee  has and the fight that she's in for.  It's going to be a long one, up to 2 1/2 years.  But the kind she has, ALL, has a really good cure rate.  I know people hate thinking numbers, but when Eric told me the world cure rate is 85%.  I couldn't help but be comforted that Kaylee has so many good factors going for her.  She's young, tough, a girl, we seem to have caught it pretty early, so that she's not in the high risk group.  If there can be an up side in this situation, I think we were finding them.  

It was good for me to go, to just be there.  I had to leave to get the yahoos, but Kaylee came out of surgery ok.  Pale and gorky, little floopsy for a bit, but ready for some chicken noodle soup.  Amy sent this one around later in the evening, and it was so nice to see her doing normal-ish things.  

Atta Girl!