Tuesday, August 14, 2012

First Day of School and the Flashbacks


Today was Sam's first day of school.  Preschool.  My baby.  My baby boy.  I thought I was ok with this.  But I'm not.

It's not him, it's me. Oh yeah, he was ready.  So very ready to go to school.  

But seeing my baby walk off into the sunset with his Daddy, reminded me of another time when I sent my baby off  to school.  And remembering that, was when today started getting really sad for me.  


 To the left- Daddy walks Chris to the bus, aboard steps as big as he was.  I put him on that bus and cried for an hour.  Granted I was pregnant at the time, but when I sent Christopher off to St. Andrew's in the fall.  Oh the Joy.  It was a second home for him.  We'd been Blessed by people I'd gotten to know since before Chris was even born, they'd been teachers for my nieces, my husband, my brothers in law.  And then they retired.  And I'm left sending Sam to a church where I don't KNOW them.

Of course, that didn't stop Sam from being ecstatic about going.  He was totally thrilled. He wasn't even sad that this wasn't the same school we sent him to Parents Day Out last year.  We didn't go there, because frankly I didn't want to commute that far multiple days a week.  I did a little hunting around town, and this church topped my list off friend's recommendations, because they're kids turned out great, and Location, Location, Location.  But I was busy on the registration open house day back in the spring, and I sent Eric to meet people.  So really, this week was the first time I got to meet them.  I prayed.  I trust in God to send me good vibes if this was a good fit for Sam, and God came through.  At the open house when they were introducing the teachers, the Spirit brought tears to my eyes at their Joy and Enthusiasm. They genuinely loved kids, were enchanted by my kids, and were trying to get to know Sam, though Sam was on the move the other way.  
 I felt good about our choice.  What is even more important, really is that Sam was excited about it.  

He hopped right in.  Putting his backpack on the adorable hook with his name on it.  

And when we got in the classroom, he got to pick up an apple with his name on it, and put it on the tree, to sign in, but it also says to me, every kid in this class is a Gift from God, and the staff see that too.  I really liked that about this church.  I want my kids to be Cherished by their teachers as I cherish them.  

It wasn't until I was leaving that I got really Sad.  Sam was having a wonderful time, wanted to get down to business.  he was thrilled with his teacher,  happy in his class, happy ignoring me.

But driving away, I started to get really sad.  Not entirely sad because he was gone, because my car was empty and no one was bugging me to listen to Jake and the Neverland Pirates songs, but because this was completely different from Chris.  I knew his teachers.  I had a close friend in class, that we would go for breakfast when we dropped the kids off.  And I didn't have that today.  I missed my friend.  Our littles were supposed to be going to St. A's together, just like the big sibs.  I missed running across the street for bagels and beverages.  And I missed knowing so many of the parents.  It's not the same. 

It's not what I wanted it to be for Sam.  Sam's the first Willman from this branch in 33 years to not go to preschool at St. Andrews.  It's wear they went.  It's what I wanted for my boys, for both of them. I'm so sad that they decided to close the preschool after Mrs. D retired.   I don't like change.  I don't like this change. I'm sad about the whole thing. I'm sad that the school isn't where I wanted to be.  And I'm sad that I'm not where I wanted to be.  I was pregnant with Sam when I started Chris in his first year of preschool.  I wanted to be pregnant again, but that's not in the cards.  I've been pretty accepting of God's plan in that regard, overall, but today, today it was a little overwhelming that it seems like so much is not where I wanted to be.  
Even just writing that down, I see the error of my ways, "what I want" , it's not about me.  Or is it? Is it about me learning something?  It stinks. 
For sure though, it's about Sam. This is about where God needs Sam to be.  There are some aspects of this school that really charge me up, and rather than get sad and sappy about who the teacher isn't, who isn't in his class etc.  I need to focus on the Gift she is, the joy and enthusiasm and love she'll bring to my Sam.  I need to focus on the many joys I have, the great friends that checked up on me, make sure I was doing ok in an empty house.  Empty house was weird, but I kept busy on facebook sharing pics of how adorable Sam was this morning.  That smile makes even the saddest moments happier.  
Christopher was very worried about me this morning.  I didn't want to jump up and down for joy in front of him at the thought of having 3 hours alone.  He seemed to worry what I was going to do with myself.  So I told him I would be sad. Not entirely an untruth.  I told him, I'd probably try to keep myself busy, and that I would most likely go to the store.  I shopped out my feelings, and overdid it at Costco.  And Thankfully, my hub stepped in to cover while I recover.  But I'm a bit of a sore mess this evening.  

It's just hard when my plan, and reality don't line up.  Maybe this is Exactly what God wants, me to humble up a bit, and simply accept what's coming our way, how raising each boy is so different, that they are Supposed to be different.  


Rachel said...

Infertility sucks. The end.