Monday, April 23, 2012

Not feeling like much, but getting much

I haven't felt like doing much.  I just kind of want to curl up and cry a while.  But life requires me.  I feel like I'm going through the motions, but not giving 100%.  And I find I don't like being in the house alone much either.  It's tremendously sad in here.  I tried on Thursday to do some of Fina's laundry, her bedding specifically, because it Stank.  I started pulling her big blanket out of the crate, and folded it in half, to cover the stink.  But the bottom half didn't stink.  It smelled like sweet Fina feet.  I cried.  And put the blanket down.  

I couldn't even do the laundry.  Eric did it for me, over the weekend.  

Blessedly Thursday, my sister in law and I had schemy ideas, and I got in the car with Sam to go visit her.  Leaving and doing lunch was just what I needed.  But when we came home, Sam saw the rumpled blanket in Fina's cage, and asked, Where's Fina?  I teared up when I told him she was in heaven, remember?  Oh yeah, but how did she move her blanket?  He asked.  Like Fina was just visiting heaven, or the ghost of Fina moving the blanket around.   Even I smiled at that.  
In the evening, Daddy came home, and I left the house and went to therapy.   Christopher told me he didn't want me to come home.  He wanted a boys night in.  But being broke, and having busy friends, with whom I would be playing all weekend, I just went home.  The more and more I thought about it, I wanted to put together a photo album for Fina.   I thought that might be therapeutic too.  Though turns out the printer is all kinds of messed up. So massive fail.  But even in the midst of failures, there are successes. 

While out, I found there were some pretty flowers in a pot.  So I snagged a couple pictures of them. 


Life is going on, still being beautiful, and it kind of brings me comfort to find pretties in spite of my great sadness.