Goodbye 2012

I'm not sad to see this year go.  It's been a Tale of Two Cities, kind of year, "It was the Best of Times, it was the Worst of Times".  But without the pain and sorrow of this year, we wouldn't be able to Praise and Celebrate the Joy that is coming in 2013.  So in honor of that, I put together kind of a most significant top pictures from 2012. 

January 2012 - Our family joined my best friend's family and we all went to Disney World.  Our first day in the parks, we  even talked Mom Willman to coming into Magic Kingdom with us.  It was a Wonderful gift to be able to celebrate our good health - Chris conquering his colon issues, plus the births of 3 healthy little ones.  We were healthy enough, that Kathleen and I were able to run (well, we didn't run the whole thing) in the Disney World Family Fiesta 5K, and then Eric ran the Donald Half Marathon and the Mickey Full Marathon, achieving the Goofy Challenge.  Yeah, that man of mine, he sure is Goofy.  

Christopher started Dance classes, a gift from Aunt Lisa and Nana. 

We had spent half of January sick, being healthy just long in December and January to celebrate Christmas and go to Disney World.  They opened up an Orange Leaf right around the corner from us right before the holidays.  So in January, I introduced my husband to it, and corrupted my children.  This was one of my favorite pictures of Sam from the month of January, a tickle fight in the Orange Leaf that Eric captured.  Pure Joy.  

February 2012 -  My Funny Little Valentines

I just love spending Valentine's Day with my sweetboys.  Don't get me wrong, Eric and I love a date night, but when I think of who I want spend special holidays with, it's my family that wins.   So Mom W. watched the boys so Eric and I could have a non-valentine's day datenight, but then on the date in question we all went out for heart shaped pizzas at Monical's with the Julius's.  

Christopher started being a car rider in February for a bit for misbehaving on the bus.  It was supposed to be a punishment, but really I think Chris liked it.  Honestly, in the mornings, I didn't mind it either, it made for some nice Quality Time for us.   I just hated that pickup for car riding starts in the middle of naptime.  Sam and I get a lot of Quality time while big brother is off in school usually.   

 March 2012 - On the last day of February, Fina, our wonderful 14 year old Boxer baby was diagnosed with cancer.  She'd had a mast cell tumor removed from her tail stub in December, but we thought it was isolated, and that the wounds on her feet that flared up in January were just some sort of rash/allergic reaction.   But the varying antibiotics we were trying weren't working.  So Dr. Dan sent me to a very expensive doggie Dermatologist.  He looked at Fina's feet and thought they might be cancer right off.  He biopsied them, and it confirmed his hypothesis.  Her type of cancer does not respond well to chemo, so we decided to just make her as comfortable as we could until she indicated she was ready to go.  First we started her on an antibiotic, because her wounds were festering, and a steroid to reduce the irritation and swelling, and a narcotic for pain control.  She was like a new dog.  But she'd still chew on her toes all the time.  So we ended up getting her a cone of shame.

This picture is Fina in her cone of shame, and Sam pretending that he's Fina.

In February, we got a warm snap of weather, it was up in the 60s!   

Good enough for boys to go out and play!

Also my "Baby Boy" turned 3.  He told me he wanted a Care Bear cake, his yellow Funshine bear from Aunt Lisa from Christmas was the inspiration.  I'm so proud, and kind of sad at the same time, I really can't call him my baby anymore.  3 is really a transition into Big Boy.  

April 2012 - At the beginning of April, my brother in law got to come home from Afghanistan for 2 weeks.  It was his Spring Break.  I got to play with them, going to the zoo, and visiting my Dad, celebrating Easter.  It was a Wonderful visit, albeit too short, before he had to head back to Afghanistan.  But I took a bazillion pictures while he was here, and put together a tiny flip album for him for the trip back.  Having those pics of the girls and James made us all smile as we prayed over him over the next few months.  

Happy Easter from Us!  He is Risen!  He is Risen Indeed! 

 During April, Fina continued to deteriorate.  She started having more trouble going downstairs. We had to up the quantities of drugs she was on, we added prednisone, so she'd feel better.  But it got to the point, even maxing out the narcotic didn't help her.  We could tell when the drugs wore off.  She started losing control of her bladder and bowels, and it was obvious it upset her.  One morning, the 17th, she peed on the floor and pooped in like 3 different places.  I asked, as I did every time one of us stepped in it, Shall I make the call?  I knew I would never be ready (or want) to make the call to our friend Dan, who was going to put her down.  And Eric said yes.  So we did, I drove her to the vet, stopping at Starbucks for one last pup cup on the way, and had her put down.  But it was the most peaceful end, more than I could have imagined.  We had another one of those gorgeous windy spring days, and the tech put out a blanket outside, Dan had the stuff in his pocket, and we all curled up on the blanket, and she sniffed the air, taking notes of all the news on the breeze.  Dan did his thing, and she just fell asleep.  I was so Grateful to be with her. I was there the first moments she came into our lives, and I needed to be there for her as she transitioned into the next phase.  She was my first baby, my fur baby.  And she kept me sane during many times little else would have.   But I miss her.  Every day.  Even still.  

 May 2012 -

April taught me one thing.  I am not a woman cut out for living in a dogless home.  As May began, I began to creep out of my shell of mourning, and start looking for a new dog, to be a new member of the family.  I used petfinder.com, and found a dog named Princess that sounded promising.  We invited her over for a visit.  She peed everywhere, she'd been abused, she was afraid of Eric.  But the boyz and I all loved her.  Even skitchy as hell, we still fell in love with her.  We decided to do a two week trial.

We're still working on that trial.  ;)

Christopher had his Dance Recital for Dance Class.  He was a dreamboat!  And what a Ham!  If Dance class had been up on a stage the entire time, he would've done much better throughout the whole season.  Perhaps, theatre is more his thing?!

Mother's Day and my birthday, May is one of my favorite months for spending time with my sweetboys.  They got me a hammock to relax in out in the backyard.  But I don't seem to get much alone time in it.  Someone or other keeps wanting to crawl in with me.  And I'm Perfectly OK with that. 

And at the end of May, Summer Vacation began, as Christopher graduated from Kindergarten.  I loved his teacher, I love his school.  He is Blessed to go there.  So of course, I blubbered like a baby when he 'graduated'.  Kindergarten graduation is hard enough, don't know what I'll do in 2024!

Now he's a big First Grade boy! 

June 2012 - Welcome Summer!  

It was Hot in June.  Really spring hit early this year, so summer hit with full blast once school was out.  The boys got their summer 'do's (ok Daddy took them to buzz it) and we enrolled them in Swim Classes.  Every year we put them in swim classes with Indyparks at Northwestway.  We love their staff.  This was the first year we didn't have to get in the water with anyone, as Sam was old enough to be in the preschooler class, and Chris was in the big kid class.  They're getting so big, and really beginning to find Joy in the water.  

As much fun as summer is, this one got off to a sad start, when Eric's grandma passed away.  She had broken a hip, and during her recovery got an infection that took her surprisingly fast.  It was good to see the whole family, and a lovely service, we hadn't all been together in a while.  Aunt Teri and Grandpa stayed in town for a while to help get things taken care of, and it was nice to spend time with them.  

July 2012 -  For us, July started off with a Bang!  We left on the 4th of July to go up to Wisconsin for a few days.  We spent 3 days with our friend Nancy at the family lake house on Lake Camelot.  Then we got to participate in our friend Bohl's wedding for a couple days at her family lake house.  Boy could we see why our friends love Wisconsin.  Beer, Cheese, Brats, Lakes, Trees, it was Heavenly! And since we'd really taken our big family vacation at the start of the year, doing this short vacation up to Wisconsin.  It was the Perfect summer break!  

In addition, my sister's girls were off on their summer break too.  So they got to come down for slumber parties periodically.  I think we got too used to having Aunt Lisa and the girls come down for a slumber party, Lisa would use her extreme cooking skills to make something scrumptious.  And the kids would play until they Dropped.  

At the end of July, were the 2012 Olympics in London.  We held a party with our best friends the Julius family, and we put on our patriotic garb.  Who knew that these Old Navy shirts I bought for flag day would get so much wear!?!  We had a British party - where we served up Tea and "Biscuits" aka cookies, and then dinner was Fish and Chips, (hard) Cider, some mysterious Beans that tasted like baked beans to me, but it was good.  We did some silly crafts, and had a wonderful time.  And we watched the Opening Ceremonies until the kids were blithering.   I love that the Olympics are 2+ weeks long!  One of my favorite times of the year.  Good times.  

August 2012 - Summer ends.  

School started early this year.  Christopher started on the 2nd of August.  He was so excited though, and very ready to begin First Grade.  For me, it has been and adjustment.  The teacher is completely different than last year, but it's obvious she loves my son, and she loves her job, she just doesn't use parent volunteers as much as I was prepared to be there.  I guess it worked out in the end, since I wouldn't have been able to volunteer as much as I wanted anyway.  But wow, First Graders are very grownup.  Christopher matures more daily. And he exceeds my expectations in so many ways.  I am so Proud of him.  

2 weeks later Sam started preschool.  Yes, my baby is a big boy now too.  He goes to a local church preschool for 3 hours twice a week.  He loves it.  And the staff is so wonderful with him, I couldn't be more Grateful.  

One of the biggest Blessings of the year, was being able to welcome my brother-in-law James home from Afghanistan.  My sister had a wonderful Welcoming party at the airport, there were lots of people, and we made signs, and we embarrassed him thoroughly.  What really struck me was as he we were waiting, he had let Lisa know he'd just gotten off the plane (was last off, politely letting everyone else off before him) when Strangers stopped and waited with our group.  When he showed up, we started cheering, and so did the strangers, clapping, cheering, even coming up to James to just say Thank You.  It was one of the most powerful moments in my life, it's really something to see what these families sacrifice for our Freedoms.  And what a wonderful Joy when they come home safe and sound!   Thank You James! 

One of the biggest celebrations this year, although we didn't realize it at the time, was the Celebration of Mom and Dad Willman's 40th Anniversary.  We planned a giant family vacation to Florida for October, but we all found ourselves available on the actual date, so we threw together a dinner party for them.  We even picked out a cake, for them to cut, just like the same day 40 years earlier.  What a fine family to show for their 40 years of effort!  Congratulations Mom and Dad! 

And this picture, well, I just loved it.  One last semi-spontaneous trip to the park while the weather was nice.  And the boys were being sweet, with eachother, at the same time.  I had to snap it.  

September 2012 - 

I started out the month of September doing something I had never done.  I left my babies for 4 days!  Blessedly, they were well taken care of by Daddy and Grandma.  But it was very weird for me.  Especially because I wasn't necesarily "child-free".  It's not like I went to Vegas or something.  No, I helped my sister move to Texas.  James had safely returned from Afghanistan, and he had to report to work in El Paso, so he took the moving truck, and I joined Lisa and the girls on a plane, and we girls all flew to El Paso.  I got to see their new place at Fort Bliss.  They literally live just behind this giant tank on the corner, and bordered by mountains, it was lovely.  Weird compared to Indiana, but Lovely.  

Meanwhile, back in Indiana,  it suddenly became Fall. 

In the most surreal event of our year, our niece Kaylee was diagnosed with Leukemia. That has stopped the hearts of all of us, but at the same time our girl is still here.   To see her Fighting, Conquering, and Still Strong inside really shows how Powerful God's Amazing Healing Powers truly are.  

While we were visiting the hospital when Kaylee was sick, I started to feel sick.  You know, girly sick.  I needed to call my doctor, but I knew the first question she'd ask would be if I'd taken a pregnancy test.  Imagine my surprise, when I took one....and it was Positive.   Amidst all that fear and sadness, God chose to Bless us with Baby #3!  

October 2012 -

Still in shock over finding out we were expecting, we went to the doctor thinking, maybe we were 5-6 weeks along, At Most.  Nope.  There were arms and legs on our little wiggling one, and they estimated me at 10 Weeks Pregnant!  Seriously!  I just lost a month...a month of crappy morning sickness, woohoo!  And my due date became May 5, 2013.

 And we learned we are getting a nephew - Ryan and Amy's baby #3 is going to be a boy and due in early March!  Now just as quickly as news of Baby #3 came, so did the sickness.  Only with this pregnancy, it was monster bitchin' evening sickness.  At which time, we took that trip to Florida with Eric's family that we'd planned.   It was a Wonderful trip.  Our little group of 4 drove down through KY, TN, GA into Florida.  We stopped at some nifty places on the way: Lookout Mountain in Chatannooga, and Coke World in Atlanta.  We also got to stop and visit with Eric's Grandpa just outside of Orlando on our way to the Club Med in Port St. Lucie.  However, I was sick as a dog most of the trip.  Luckily, I was able to take advantage and get 2 naps on a couple days.  Ryan, Amy and Kaylee stayed in Indiana, but Alexis flew down with Karl and Erica and we got to spend more time with them than we had in months.  The Club Med was lovely, the staff were very caring and attentive.  The pools were so relaxing, the weather just right.  I survived on french fries and ginger ale.   But I started to lose the ability to do much physically.  Taking flights of stairs wore me out.  By the time we were headed back north, I had caught some sort of head cold too, turns out I got a sinus infection and a dash of bronchitis.  And when you're pregnant you can't take anything good...so I didn't get any good drugs until the week we got back.  That didn't stop us from having fun though, we stopped off in Pensacola to visit a friend of mine who'd had a baby, she recommend we take a little beach break.  It was my favorite stop along the trip.   Our quick little swim in Pensacola Beach.  Someday, we'll go back! 

Fall Break was 2 full weeks for Christopher.  And by the time we got the kids back in school, it was time for Halloween!  The boys dressed as Green Lantern and Aquaman for Trick-or-Treating this year.  They loved their superhero costumes.

November 2012 -

Since October I had been feeling crummy, but in November, that got kicked up a notch.  The dash of bronchitis that was impeding my ability to run or do stairs, was getting in the way of doing anything.  TI went in to the OB, and they took an ultrasound.  Baby looked wonderful, was wiggling all over the place, and they got a neat picture of the hand in front of the face.  I just loved this picture.  

The baby was fine.  I was just tired, must be that I'm older this time around.  And I'm still recovering from that sinus infection or something.  Then days before Thanksgiving, I started having bad cramping, and some spotting.  I went in and they did another ultrasound.  They told me that I should take it easy, that I had an Irritable Uterus, and a tiny tear in the placenta.  They said, don't do anything over the holiday weekend. OK. I can do that.  I continued cramping and spotting all through Thanksgiving.    The best part of that ultrasound was that our baby gave us Quite a Show!  Yes, it is a Boy!   

So we announced to our family and friends on Thanksgiving that It's a Boy!  

Thanksgiving was a great holiday for us, I didn't do much but park myself on the couch, because I was contracty off and on, and didn't want to overdo it.  I didn't overdo it.  I just had fun with our family.  

Happy Thanksgiving!  Love Chris and Sam.

After Thanksgiving, I tried to resume my regular activities, and ended up bleeding again.  They said the tear wasn't healed, and it wouldn't heal for weeks.  So they really meant Take It Easy.  So I ended up on Moderate Bedrest.  At 16 weeks.  I can sit, I can lay down.  I am home.  Technically, I can drive, but I can't do much when I get to a destination.  And I can't really do much around the house either.  Doing nothing doesn't set off contractions and spotting, so Nothing it is.  Gonna be a long pregnancy.  

December 2012 -  

Merry Christmas!  

It was a weird holiday season this year.  My mother in law was sick, I was on bedrest.  We did most of our shopping on the internet, or relied on friends to pick stuff up for us.  The kids were the only ones with energy.  The Baby kept giving me heart attacks, I'd cramp and spot, or something, I was in every week for 5 weeks getting checked out.  And every time, the baby was fine.  I'm the hot mess.  Doesn't he look wonderful.  Each time I have them confirm, it's still a boy, and that there's really only one in there.  Because my symptoms really make me feel as though I'm already 100 months pregnant, when this picture was taken at only 20 weeks.  He's looking great though.  Growing wonderfully.  So they say, keep doing what we're doing.  

I have to stay on moderate bedrest.  The tear is healing but not healed.  I figured that as I'm still cramping and spotting, but they say it can take weeks to heal.  So be it.  If what I'm doing is working, then I'll keep doing it.  I have been getting very frustrated at my body not doing what I want, or with people not doing what I want.  But for once, the baby, he's doing what I want.  So I'll keep on keeping on!  

One of the best days (on which I did more than I should have) was December 21st.  One of my favorite days ever, as it's Christopher's birthday.  This year he turned 7!  He wanted a Superhero birthday party, and a Super Karate cake.  For his birthday, his Daddy and I signed him up for Karate Classes.  He has proven he's responsible, and he deserves it.  

One of the best presents Eric aquired for me this month was a wheelchair.  Eric found one at church that we could borrow without having to pay anything, so on Christmas Eve, he wheeled me (and the boys) into the Children's Museum to see Santa.  And this time, Sam didn't freak out, and Chris talked to him, it was a perfect year for seeing Santa. And we were really Blessed to be able to spend the Holiday with our family.  

Like I said, It's been the Best of Times, and the Worst of Times.  

But without these times, we wouldn't be able to share the Joy that is sure to come in 2013.

A Special Visitor

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I have been debating if we were ready or not.  But my heart is lonely.  I miss snuggling with my Fina. I miss her tippity toes tapping around the house.  I miss her gentle snore.

So, Eric and I started looking on Petfinder.com.  at dogs.  There were so many that needed a good home, so we picked a few criteria to help narrow things down.  Eric figured we needed a female, so that I wouldn't be the only girl in the house.  And then I wanted someone who was already potty trained, err, house trained, since we just built the new house, and I've been cleaning up plenty of pee and poo.

I read this Biography, and kind of fell in love.  Her sweet face.  The fact she like to Snuggle.  She sounded like just the love bug I was looking for, she had just had  bumpy start.

So we invited her over for a visit.

She was very scared of us.  

I can see why.  My boys were So Excited.  So excited, they made her pee.  And she shook a lot.  She was nervous.  So we broke out some snacks.  And the boys fed her out of their hands.  She was so intrigued.  At first she was really nervous, then she came up to the boys willingly.  She was such a sweetheart, she didn't snap at them.  

And she liked me.  She kept coming over to me for snuggles.  This pic was taken by Christopher of me getting to know her.  She'd get nervous when we stood up, so I'd sit and let her come over to me.  She's fairly submissive, and doesn't seem to be agressive.  At one point, the boys each wanted to hold her leash.  They started fighting over it.  And yet, she didn't bark at them, or freak out.  She didn't do anything, she just watched them puzzled.  Heck, I do that all the time.  And when Eric disciplined them, she just listened.  I just watched her.  That's when I knew.  I wanted this dog.  

The boys took her out back to 'play'.  Apparently she likes to catch.  Only she didn't really like the little blue rubber ball we offered her.  Apparently, she's a little princess, and only likes Tennis balls.   She's so pretty, mostly black, with brindle highlights.  I swear people would pay for hair color like that.  She has only a smidge of white.   A little bit on her chest, and her toes.  It's kind of funny, she has pretty little princess toes, only the back toe tips are white.  

Her temperament is very mellow.  The boys really liked her.  Christopher was starting to cry because we told him she was not spending the night.  We were just meeting her today.  We had to have a family vote.  

Though before we even voted, we could tell how the voting was going to go.  

So we had our Family Meeting.  It consisted of all of us sitting on the floor. I asked, Who wants Princess to come live with us?  Everyone raised their hands without the slightest hesitation.  

That was Easy.  She'll be moving in this coming week.  

The New Neighbors

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Last week, after Fina died. I was hearing things. Tapping. I could hear her little annoying toenails on the floor. I could hear her bamming into the wall. I confess, I thought I was hearing things, ghostly wacky things. Eric and I talked about it, he thought he was hearing things too. We just chalked it up Fina just being so noisy, that we never noticed the 'regular' house noises. Until I was sitting in the bathroom a couple mornings later. Then I heard it. Loud, scratching noises right above my head. Accompanied by Chirps. There were Birds in the Bathroom Vent. Apparently, Eric didn't put a cap on it before the weather got crummy. And now we have a little birdy family living between the floors, so that I can hear them below me in the master bath, and above me in the downstairs bath. Yesterday, I went outside and ok pictures of our new neighbors
.

Thank goodness, these Blackbirds don't sing in the dead of night.

So I told them, that as long as they stay in the vent, they and their little babies can grow there, and we'll cap it in the fall. But should they come in our House, or break my fan, or get themselves smithereened somehow...They're getting Cleared Out. See? I'm neighborly.

Not feeling like much, but getting much

I haven't felt like doing much.  I just kind of want to curl up and cry a while.  But life requires me.  I feel like I'm going through the motions, but not giving 100%.  And I find I don't like being in the house alone much either.  It's tremendously sad in here.  I tried on Thursday to do some of Fina's laundry, her bedding specifically, because it Stank.  I started pulling her big blanket out of the crate, and folded it in half, to cover the stink.  But the bottom half didn't stink.  It smelled like sweet Fina feet.  I cried.  And put the blanket down.  

I couldn't even do the laundry.  Eric did it for me, over the weekend.  

Blessedly Thursday, my sister in law and I had schemy ideas, and I got in the car with Sam to go visit her.  Leaving and doing lunch was just what I needed.  But when we came home, Sam saw the rumpled blanket in Fina's cage, and asked, Where's Fina?  I teared up when I told him she was in heaven, remember?  Oh yeah, but how did she move her blanket?  He asked.  Like Fina was just visiting heaven, or the ghost of Fina moving the blanket around.   Even I smiled at that.  

In the evening, Daddy came home, and I left the house and went to therapy.   Christopher told me he didn't want me to come home.  He wanted a boys night in.  But being broke, and having busy friends, with whom I would be playing all weekend, I just went home.  The more and more I thought about it, I wanted to put together a photo album for Fina.   I thought that might be therapeutic too.  Though turns out the printer is all kinds of messed up. So massive fail.  But even in the midst of failures, there are successes. 

While out, I found there were some pretty flowers in a pot.  So I snagged a couple pictures of them. 

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Life is going on, still being beautiful, and it kind of brings me comfort to find pretties in spite of my great sadness.  

Fina's El Fin

This was the worst day.  When we woke up on Tuesday, I was Sad.  Sad about sending James back, so sad for my sister.   Then it got worse.  Fina was twitchy first thing.  Her drugs had worn off again, we had upped her to the narcotics three times a day, as much as we could give her.  And she was still having rough days.  The weekend had been extra crazy.  It was nearing time to buy her more dog food, but we put it off, Just In Case.

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I had been following Eric's lead.  I was never going to be ready to put her down.  But I knew in my head that there would be a time when her suffering would outweigh my need for her.  So we were waiting on a sign.  The last few mornings she was having trouble getting down the stairs.  Her back legs would skate out from under her when she'd get to the bottom stair.  She was going Very Slowly up and down the back steps outside.  When her drugs wore off, she'd just shake.  And I would sit on the floor and just hug her, and her whole body would have that vibrato.  If she stopped moving around, following us, she'd shake.  So she followed us.  Got underfoot, got her poor sore foot stepped on.  It was pitiful.  

On Tuesday morning, while we were going about our usual morning crazies, Fina lost it.  She emptied her bladder, flooding the kitchen, then her colon in 6 places.  Luckily, this time no one stepped in it.  But as I have been asking Eric every time she does something like this, Shall I make the call?  He said Yes.  

He had a morning meeting, so he wanted to set the appointment for the afternoon.  So I called Dr. Dan, and made the appointment for 2:30.  That left me most of the day to sit on that decision.  Rather awful.  It was weird.  By the time we set the appointment, Fina was back to acting Fine. 

So, Kathleen and I (and Emily, who was feeling a bit under the weather) drove thru Starbucks and came back here, to drink, watch Avatar, and toss cheese balls  for Fina to catch.   She was thrilled.  All the cheetos she could eat.  And she ate them all.  And she was back to her more spry self, to hover and shark around for Starbucks.  

Fina loved to slurp the leftovers out of a Starbucks cup.

After preschool, Eric came home, and we had Taco Bell lunch, where Fina helped along with some of our lunch.  Who cares about giving a dying dog Taco Bell?   What's it going to do, make her sick?  So, she got her fill of people food this day.

Then it was time to take our ride.  Eric stayed home with Sam, while I took Fina in.  I teared up as she eagerly hopped in the car.  She was happy as all get out to get in the car and go for a ride.

 I had the windows down a bit, and her head was out, and she was panting, tasting the air, but a little tired, just having a good time.  She even relaxed enough to lean on the chair, just like old times.  I have another photo around here somewhere of her doing the same thing.  Ah yes, Found it.

From back in 2005.  Look at how black her muzzle was.  Man, somehow 13 1/2 years blow by, and all of a sudden I have old flews.

For Fina's last trip, I took her to Starbucks.  I blubbered like a little girl when the gal asked me how my day was, and I ordered her a Really Big Pup Cup (and a tall iced caramel macchiato for me, for Strength).  And Fina was Thrilled.  She slurped right into it, and splew whipped cream froth all over my console.

I was determined to hold it together.  But as we were arriving, B* the nurse, met me at the door, gave a hug, and escorted me into a special room, I hadn't been in before.   There was  a blanket, and a portrait of the Rainbow Bridge on the wall.  Dan met me there, he's our vet, but I've known him since college, and he was being nice. I lost it.

Have you ever read the Rainbow Bridge?  I have.  I love it.  And hate it a little bit at the same time, but the thoughts are really comforting.  Here:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge. 

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. 
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. 
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. 

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. 
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. 

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. 

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart. 

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together.... 

Author unknown... 


Blessedly, they had a box of tissues all set out for me.  How did I forget that?   B* had a great idea.  She said, "It's a Beautiful day outside, would you like to do this outside?  We have a creek and a grassy bank out back."
That sounded wonderful.  It was a pretty day outside, and Fina loved the fresh spring air.  She never made a run for it out of the backyard except on beautiful spring and fall days, and that was that kind of day. So I said yes.  Dan took Fina back and put a catheter in her wrist, so the actual process would be as painless as possible.  She came sporting a highly fashionable pink and purple bracelet bandage.

So we took a walk outside.  They had a grassy knoll, a sunny spring day, a big strong breeze, and a comforter on the grass.  It was big and fluffy and pastel colored.  With a box of tissues in the corner.

Fina just stood there at the edge of the blanket, fluttering her flews, and sniffing all the smells coming directly to her on the breeze.  All the fun of going exploring a new area, with none of the work.  She was panting, happily, it was Peaceful.  So I sat down, and told her to sit down next to me.  I have her a hug, and told her to lay down.  She kept that head up sniffing the air, like a sphinx.

Dan must've had the supplies in his pocket or something I didn't see them, until Fina was ready.  Then he started pushing the meds.  He warned me, but I was just watching her, and she was happy.  She was at Peace.  It was so good.  She just kept panting, breathing in all the great smells coming to her on the air, and the breeze brought constant fresh air, and this God given Peace on the air.  I felt it, she felt it.  As the meds kicked in, it was like I could feel her body relax.  I felt her think, Ahh this is Good.  So nice.  I am just going to put my head down and relax.  She did.  She simply laid her head down.  And went to sleep.

It probably only took a minute or two, but it felt like a long time, because Dan had to check her heart twice.  It had slowed, but still beat so slowly.  He said she had a Strong heart.  He had no idea.  The Strongest.

I knew she was hanging on, I could tell, but I told her it was OK.   She could go, we'd see her later.  On the other side of that hill.  And she went.  In Peace.

No more suffering, just Peace.  And it was good, because that evil cancer wasn't hurting her anymore.  No more frustrations because her body wouldn't do what she wanted, and she's in a better place.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.

And that crazy woman, driving down the street, sobbing hysterically all the way home, looking like she just lost her dog.  That was me.

And I can't stop crying, whenever I think of her.  I miss my dog.

I am not adjusting well.  I can't sleep, because I miss her sweet subtle snore.  And I am so lonely in the evenings, because there should be a dog curled up at my feet, or by my side on the couch. I'm used to getting up from sitting and tripping over a dog, and there's no dog.  We leave the house, and there's no to lock up.  I return home, and there's no one to let out.  Our back door has remained locked for days.  It's too weird.  All my routines are off.  Don't get me started how messy the kitchen is after the kids eat, when there's no dog to clean up.   And there at the end  she was getting every uneaten bit from our plates.  What was it going to do, make her fat, make her sick?  Now there's no one eating our leftover bits.  And being in an empty messy kitchen makes me cry.  And going to the bathroom by myself makes me cry.

And don't be too nice to me, because you'll make me cry.

We'll get  a new dog.  In time.  But right now, I miss Fina. I want  my Fina.