Eye-opening

 

It's been a while since I sat down at the computer, let alone, blogged. 

It is time. 

Clockwise: Mom W., Aunt Teri, Me, and my Mommy

Aka the Moms Cruise

One of the things that struck me after I returned from a vacation with my Mom and Mother in Law these past two weeks was that I don't document my thoughts anymore.  I share pictures, because I know there are members of my family that love it when I do.  I still hear more Thanks for Sharing Pictures, more than I hear I have no idea what is going on with you.  

But when times are hard, I don't feel like putting it all into writing.  But perhaps I should.  I'm afraid I won't remember when things were good.  Things were good on this trip. But they were also really hard.  I'm tired of having trouble breathing.  I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to travel.  Perhaps that's why I've been traveling as much as I could the last few years.  Maybe deep down I knew my traveling days were nearing an end.  One thing that happened over this trip, was that I had to realize, I am handicapped.  I was so relieved every time I saw a handicapped parking space, or a seat with the handicapped sticker on it.  It's me now.  I cannot get by on my own energy anymore.  It runs out too fast.  I needed helpers to get me through the airports, to get me on to the boat, to help move my luggage.  I thought it would be easier to not take my scooter to St. Croix, because it is so big and bulky.    I thought I could get by with a wheelchair at the airport and my cane for everything else.  It really opened my eyes to how much I have had to rely on others.  I've been so blessed to have Eric and the Boys around me to help me do  all the day to day things I can't do anymore.  I guess I hadn't realized just how broken I was.  I spent most of my time with people in their 70s and I was the most broken one.  My Mom dragged me to a grocery store on St. Croix.  She assured me I could handle it.  As it turned out, No, Not really.  A small pharmacy sized store, I could handle.  But a big grocery store, I could not handle.  I hadn't been shopping since before last year when all this crap with my lung had happened. I was near tears by the time we got back.  My back hated the bumpy roads.  I hated running out of air with little warning.  I hated getting so exhausted just walking the length of the ship on our cruise.  I suppose a trip like this acted like physical therapy.   But it was also very eye opening.

I wasn't ready to admit that I was this broken.  

This photo is my iris.

Taken by a special camera on board the Nieuw Statendam.