Thursday, April 4, 2013


Can you believe I've made it to 35 weeks?! 

Yeah, me neither.  I feel a lot closer to full term.  

I haven't felt like saying much, because I just haven't felt good.  I have spent the greater part of this week laying down, because I get swirly and pressure when I sit up too long.  My ankles no longer taper.  I'm lucky if I can find my anklebones by sight, they've been missing for most of this week, another reason I've been laying down a lot more.  It's hard to get on the computer when lying down all the time. So I've been watching   tv, but sometimes I don't even feel like doing that, how's that for a sad state of affairs.  I can't focus enough to read.  I feel bitchy pretty much all the time, and I just haven't had the heart to write down all the crappiness that has been going with the good times.  I haven't been able to have clear thoughts, which I know is my blood pressure acting up, and those few coherant thoughts that I have had aren't generally good ones.  I am Thankful to be expecting Baby #3.  I am really Blessed among friends and family that have wanted more children and been unable.  But there are times when I just wonder, God are we Done yet? I am nearing the point where I just want it to be over.  My body has made it perfectly clear this is our last biological child.  And I'm Tired.  I'm tired of not being able to breathe, or sleep comfortably, or walk, or cook, or take care of my family in any way.  I need someone to care for me.  It's getting springy and pretty outside, and I just want to go for a walk around the block with my family, or go to the Zoo Gardens and take pictures of flowers, with my boys.  I'm tired of getting angry, at people that love me but that in my pregnancy pickled brain I judge to be inconsiderate and rude. I'm tired of being in pain.  I'm tired of saying things that I can't believe came out of my mouth.  I'm tired of being picky as hell about food.  I want to have my iron stomach back.  Sam pooped yesterday, and it blew up his back, and I nearly threw up, and of course, I couldn't do a darn thing about cleaning him/the mess up either.  I'm tired of yelling at the kids because they won't come, and are fighting with each other.  Yelling hurts, and sets my belly to contracting, but they don't hear me, or choose not to hear me.  I wish I had the energy to appropriately spoil them as they deserve to be spoiled on their Spring Break. I want to play with them. But I can't even maneuvre shoes to watch them.  I had such dents in my ankles from my shoes this weekend, and even my ankle-less socks are leaving dents in my ankles, that my body has made it clear that it's sandal weather for me, whether it's actually sandal weather or not.  It makes me feel springy to put on my sandals...until I go outside and my feet freeze.  
Blessedly, we've brought our friend Janelle, who is a youth from our church that has been helping us out after school, and we have had her over all week long, for the boys while they are on spring break.  She's been kind enough to get the kids out of the house, to have some Fun, but I'm jealous, because I Can't.  And it's so Frustrating to practically need a sitter for ME now too!  

Tuesday, I went in for my OB appt, and I felt so terrible, that when they found Nothing wrong with me, I was saddened.  For a bit anyway.  My urine was fine, my BP was a little low in office, so that maybe explained why I felt so passy-outy.  But I just felt Done.  I guess I've been waiting for the Next Step, whatever that may be, for so long, waiting for that other shoe to drop, I'm just ready for it to happen already, so I can deal with it.  I'm flexible, I can take what comes, I just kind of want it to hurry up and Come already.   

"Perspective, Yo" as my sister would say.

But it's good that they send me home with pictures - pictures showing me my sweetboy, and reminding me why I'm doing what we're doing.  At the end of all this, we'll have a new addition to our family.  Last night, Chris and I, over chocolate cake, we discussed what we were most looking forward to after the baby comes home.  Chris wants to hold him, and carry him (we'll see), and can't wait to "help", and I couldn't wait to hear all three of my boys laugh together.  2 boys laughing is my current favorite sound, how amazing will 3 be! And we imagined all three of them playing dress up, and we daydreamed about what Superheroes they would all pretend to be.  It was so nice to talk about it.  I've been hesitant to dream too much, so afraid of all the things that can go wrong, that I sit here now, realizing, we really are over so many of the hurdles, we may Actually be able to bring this baby home.  And it felt good to focus on the Joy of it.  Really, Christopher has been the most enthusiastic of all of us.  He really is going to be a Wonderful Big Brother.  Sam may be in for culture shock for a bit, but he'll get used to it.  Sam has a Wonderful big brother to teach him how it's done, and I'm sure he'll be very good at it too.

In his pictures, he's looking like a real baby - Cheeks that are getting fat enough that I want to pinch them.  

It's moments like that, seeing his sweet face, or sitting and daydreaming about what games my three boys will play, or how he will sound when he laughs that give me Perspective, and get my mind back on track.
Oh Yes Lord, That's Why.  Thank you.