Monday, March 9, 2009

Ch 6. The Mommy Diaries

Well, it sad to say, this is the last chapter of this book that we're reading for our MOPS group. However, it seemed suitably appropriate that this chapter was on Hope, given how right now my whole being is hinging on the Hope within of this unborn child.

1. What are some of the hardest times during your mothering journey to trust that hope exists? When Chris was born. It's not like I'd done this mothering thing before so initially, when things started to fall apart, and they sent Chris to Riley and Eric went with him, I did ok. But then the next night, I was alone in my room, and it was quiet. Too quiet. I made them take the bassinet away. Then it got hard. Luckily, they let me go the next day. Then while he was in the NICU, we had a rough go of it. There for a while, it seemed like every time we talked to the doctor they would find something wrong with him. Christmas Eve was particularly hard that year, because that was the day that Christopher stopped breathing and turn blue for the second time in Daddy's arms. You wanna see NICU people run, stop breathing, that sends everyone running out of the woodwork; we didn't figure out until months later, he's got a morphine sensitivity, and it causes him to stop breathing. (Now, whenever we're asked if he's got an allergy, we say Morphine.) Here he'd just had surgery, and they were telling us we won't know how extensive his colon problems were going to be, or if he'll ever be able to be potty trained. But that day, he also flunked his hearing test. It just seemed like everywhere we turned, there was something else. Eric and I had gotten into the habit (a habit we often still keep) of stopping in the Riley Chapel every night to express our thankfulness and pray on our way to Ronald McDonald house, but that night I was not thankful, I was mad. Not in a never forgiving sort of way, just in an I don't understand why this had to happen to an innocent baby, for whom we'd tried for 4 years! (It was hard to remain strongly hopeful for that course of 4 years!) Mad at God, and I told Him so. The next day, Chris was pulled off his O/G feeding tube, and was able to drink from a bottle, and they put him in a my First Christmas outfit, and he didn't stop breathing at all.
There was HOPE. There is Always Hope.
Since that night of hitting bottom, it's much easier to take all the health issues that seem to come Chris's way and still remain hopeful. Failure to thrive my aunt fannie! I mean look at him, he looks and acts just like any other boy, he's not deterred...why should I be?

2. When life gets dark, is it hard for you to lean on hope for help? Why? It used to be before I grew to know God. But it's not now. God shines through the darkness, and He's easy to lean on, even if on occasion I get mad at him, I know he loves me, and that he understands why I'm upset, and just like with any other family member, I get mad, but He still loves me anyway, and I Him.

3. When have you seen hope in action, bringing you from a place of doubt to a place of promise? Ummm...Chris's entire life. Or the fact, that I was able to get pregnant with this baby, so much easier than with Chris. His whole life brings a new degree of hope.
I'd also have to say most recently, Baby Andrew. My girlfriend had a baby at 26 1/2 weeks, she was due a week after me, and he Really had the chips stacked against him, but he's doing SO Well. He's still got hurdles, but I look at him and his life is place of such great promise and hope, and he is such a miracle that I can't help but rejoice at our hope and prayers answered in action through his life. It's a miracle!

4. Where do you find your sources for hope? Do they shift and change, or do they remain eternally steadfast? Well... both? While God remains Eternally Steadfast in my life, he places people in my life that do shift and change. Early in my pregnancy with Chris, I had some very close friends that I confided in and leaned on, I mean God really placed them in the right place at the right time in my life, but they aren't as prevelant in my life as before, and I have new friends and family members in whom I am able to find hope and support. And God has planted them there too.

5. Are there parts of your life that are keeping you from embracing hope? What would it take to overcome those issues and bring you back into a place of hope? Really my big obstacle is forgiveness. I don't know if it's not embracing Hope, but when it comes to forgiving someone who has repeatedly hurt me, and putting myself in their presence again. Doesn't that mean that I'm placing Hope on that situation. And by not going there, I'm not overcoming it and embracing hope in that particular situation. I recently read a devotional about God and Forgiveness, about how HE is the only one that can give blanket forgiveness for all deeds. That we just have to work on one deed at a time. We aren't built for blank forgiveness, but if we work at it, we can forgive one instance. Perhaps then, if I can move through enough instances, then overall forgiveness of someone can be achieved. That's Hopeful, isn't it?


Unknown said...

Wow Cathy...that's very powerful stuff. Especially the last part about forgiveness. I have trouble with that too, and it's a new perspective to me to focus on just forgiving one instance at a time. Kind of deep thinking for 7:30 in the morning! :)