Wednesday, September 23, 2009

By Your Side

I have been feeling so ripped up lately. Tense. I get sleep deprived, pain ridden, and stressed; Chris has been stressing me out, he's pushing my limits and he argues and I yell, and then we're both yelling. It's a vicious cycle. And I want to run away, get away from it all, and then moments later, I miss my boys. I miss them when they are just sleeping across the house. I just want to hold them. But I hate the yelling, the growling and the disobedience. I want to escape, yet I don't.
A couple weeks ago, I got so frazzled, that as soon as Eric as Eric came home, I hopped in the car, and drove to Dairy Queen, to drown my sorrows in a blizzard and all that rot. I got in the car, and this song was on, and as I'm driving down my street, the part came on, "Where will you go child? Tell me, where will you run, where will you run?"
I burst into tears. I don't want to run away. The mere thought of being away from my boys terrifies me. Where was I going to go? I can't get away from God. Nor do I want to. I don't want to run away. In fact the opposite, I want and Need to be closer to Him, but feel like my anger and stress has been pushing him further away. But He's there.

He's By My Side


Suellen said...

Oh Cathy,

Being a parent is so hard. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that everybody needs to get away for awhile just to have them time. It's okay. You aren't running. You just don't get enough time to yourself. It's such a fine line. I miss Parker so much every second that I'm not with her, but then sometimes when I am with her, I feel like I'm just waiting for her to take a nap so I can have a little me time. I can imagine that it's a million times harder with two! I love you and if you need to vent (or make an alone DQ run) you know I'm here.

Kathy said...

(hugs) You're a great mom, don't forget! (And ditto what Suellen said.)