Hot Mess

Not sure who is the Hottest Mess around here. Me or the boys. I just spent an hour and a half with Sam in my lap, and half the day dealing with Chris's problems. I guess I don't just plain Vent very often here. But I am just so full of anger and frustration at I don't even know what, that I feel like I'm going to explode.
They say journaling is therapeutic, so here I am.
Chris fights me, on everything. Getting dressed, getting undressed, diaper changes, meal times. The therapist said it was everything transitional. Maybe, but it feels like he's as mouthy as a teenager, and not remotely willing to listen. He has 5 jobs: Listen, Obey, No Tantrums, Be Kind, and Respect Others. Sunday he did a monster offense at church disobeying all of them but Be Kind, tearing out of Grandma's arms, shrieking down the hall during prayers so loudly I heard him in the sanctuary. He made both Grandma and I very mad. And we left church. That's how he behaves daily, but most people don't see it, most of the time it doesn't happen in public. It feels like in any given situation he has to be the loudest, craziest kid in the room. As long as people are watching he's happy. I hate to throw out those stupid letters, the diagnoses that they gave us. My head and heart don't agree that they are right. Something isn't right, but if I say, he's got PDD, ADHD, and ODD, people change their tune, like oh my that's a lot. Not that their more sympathetic, and as much as I dislike the letters, they are show stoppers. If I want attention, if I want someone to listen and help, dropping those like a knowing a celebrity. But they are crappy d-list celebrity names.
The whole thing is so crappy. I can't even tell you. It's so awful some days I just want to run away, cry. But then I escape for a couple hours, and I miss them. Or Chris takes a nap after fighting half a day against it, and he wakes up all loving, and in a sweet mood. And it's like, why do I want to leave, then moments later he's acting snippy with me.
Speaking of snips, Sam is picking up brother's bad habits. He tells me to "Hushup". With his wonderful vocabulary, he actually told his brother today, "Bao (brother) no bumbee (bumblebee) ka (car), you in my gow (timeout)." That's 8 words, man. And the context, Chris has fallen in love with Transformers, and he's begun this game every time we're in the car, he's calling out BUMBLEBEE CAR whenever he sees a yellow car. I imagine Grandma Willman giggling hysterically because she hated yellow cars, and now we all laugh and call out Bumblebee car whenever we see one. Today, Chris got a timeout, and 5 minutes is a long time in the car for him to be silent. And he started to call out a yellow car, but caught himself mid-bumble. And Sam yelled at him. Oy. I've got trouble. And that's just what he's saying. Today he napped maybe 1/2 hour, kept crying, wouldn't let me put him down, just kept crying. Not sleeping. Making me crazy. Doesn't take much lately.
I took Chris to play therapy today. Chris loves it, he loves playing with Miss Lisa, she tells me what kind of worlds he created, today it was one of astronauts. I'd love to take Chris down to Florida at the end of June to see the last Shuttle take off. But on the other hand, I think we'll be stranded here, clinging to hospitals all summer long. I'm so frustrated. And jealous. Everyone I know is plotting great vacations, things to do this summer. And I'm like, Chris is having surgery. Oh and the money pit, we may actually move into it. Not seeing the joy there. I want to run away. Just a weekend, just Away. But where would I go, what would I do? We're broke, we've sunk every spare cent into the new house. I joke that once we're in, we'll never leave, not because we won't want to, but because we'll never be able to afford to. If I could pick up that house and move it to Guam right now, I would.
In my head I know God works in his own time, his calendar doesn't coincide with mine. But my heart wants to fast forward the next three months, and just have it all be done, and be able to plan my own summer. I bought Chris a swimsuit this past weekend, and I don't even know if he's going to be able to use it. With his feeding tube, he had to have a button on it, because they considered it an 'open wound'. This won't have a button. I guess we should consult with Dr. West. I booked an appointment next week with her today. I've been playing email and phone tag with her and the staff. I wanted to see her before Chris's next therapy appointment, which just happened to be the day Sam has his swallow study. So I thought Chris will go to school, Eric doesn't need to sit in on the swallow study, and Eric could grab him and bring him to Riley, where he'd see his autism therapist and Dr. West. Nope. She only sees folks in the morning...so I took the first available that day. 8:30. So he'll likely be missing some school. And after I made the appointment, I realized that is their Easter Party. Ugh.
I'm so peeved at myself, and the system, and everything. Everywhere I turn, nothing goes the way I want. In my head, I realize it won't, it doesn't have to, it goes according to God's Will. But there's a part of me going Blah, Blah, Blah. Just FIX MY BABY!
And I don't feel like anyone understands, not my family who has not been there, not the specialists, who want to put him in some autism labeled box, and friends who don't understand why I just don't think it's worth it to leave the house. Even with therapy there are times I feel so lonely. And I'm not writing all this to seek attention, I just realized that I haven't been getting Deep and Honest lately, because my deep feels so dark.
If anyone else out there is feeling deep and dark, just know you're not alone.

Paint My Walls Turquoise....

I've got that Rolling Stones song stuck in my head..."I see a red door and I want to paint it Black. No colors any more I want them all to turn black." Well, it's not Black here, it's Turquoise.

Eric finally finished the electric a few weeks ago, and Dad has been working maniacally on Insulation using foam board. Eric finished electric, and suddenly realized he was going to scrapped for time to get it all done in time for the next bank deadline, and weren't going to make it.

Suddenly we got Blessed with a bank extension and other wondrous things lined up. Eric had wanted to spray foam insulation on top of the foam board insulation to really lock out all the leaks. It's going to be expensive enough to heat/cool this house, he wanted to do all the could to help. But his asthma has been acting up, that time of year, and I was getting really nervous at the prospect of him donning a gas mask and hazmat suit to spray foam insulation. Gave me the willies. Luckily I confessed to Mom (my mother in law) and she didn't like the idea either. With both of us against it, Eric reconsidered paying someone to install.

Then it didn't look like we could get anyone to do a rush job with the insulation we'd already purchased. Mom ended up finding a guy while she was househunting of all things...talk about Divine Intervention. And they did it!

They came yesterday, and finished up this morning. Which meant we had Daddy today. To Ourselves. :)

We ate meals together, all took a family trip to the theatre, saw Megamind for free at 10 a.m. So nice! Of course, we did pop by the house to check out the job when all was said and done.



Chris and I stepped outside and just sat there, I can see the few daffodils I planted popping up, and the trees and the birds, ahh.... it was beautiful. But of course, we had some beautiful interruptions too.




Oh! And the walls. I know you want to see it. It's amazing how different the house looks when the walls are all a different color. The sprayfoam insulation is blue, turquoise blue. And it's so cool, it's not pokey to touch, it was dry and ok for the kids to touch a little.



Honestly, the walls look cool turquoise. It really gives the whole place an entirely different look. A look I like.



Doesn't it look homey! I can't wait until next week when we get walls. Walls we can paint. Although really, it looks great. And it's so nicely sealed up, our house is not going to be Drafty!



And I'm really beginning to like Turquoise!

A Yellow Kind of Day

Yesterday was a Gorgeous Spring Day. We're tired of cold, wind, rain, and all the other springy stuff. The sun was peeking out, and the Gardens were calling.



Chris was less than enthusiastic, at first, at going to the zoo, just to see flowers. But I told him, he could pick a color. Any Color. And that would be the color we would look for, the flowers we would try to find.

He chose Yellow. Turns out Yellow was the perfect choice of the day.



Yellow Pansy smiling.



Even a yellow hyancinth. Love their smell!




A celendine poppy.



But it was the Daffodils that really did it! All kinds of Pretty Daffodils.



White ones with yellow centers.



Yellow ones with orange centers.



The kids didn't care too much about individual groups of flowers.



They just wanted to point and run. And climb in and out of the stroller. ;)



But they had all kinds of beautiful daffodils just chasing the sun across the sky.



And yellow was the perfect color of the day.



Even Mr. Bunny agreed. :)

Back to Old Fairview

In the days when the Butler Bulldog Basketball team was making their run to the Final Four, our little family of 4 took a brief trip over to campus for a visit.

1. The Butler Bulldog



2. Mommy and her little Bulldogs



3. Daddy and his little Bulldogs



4. Boys by the Blue and White (or at least as Blue as you can get blooming in early April) but as a former DDD member, I'm pretty partial to sweetboys by the pansies.



5. Boys return to Old BU



6. Boys smiling by the BU



7. Boys by a Fountain



9. We love that they turned the fountains Blue before the Final Four!



10. Boys running wild in the Butler Gardens.



11. The view of the Gazebo, and the bench where Eric proposed with the back side of Hinkle Fieldhouse in the background. One of my favorite places.




12. The Carillon in the Spring



13. One of my other favorite places. Can you see the coi in the Carillon pond? They were as big as my arm, and the carillon in the spring is Beautiful.



14. The Julius girls and Willman boys sport their Butler Gear as we gear up for the Final Four game.



15. Our family of 4 on the night that Butler played the Championship game.



Bulldogs, thanks for the ride. I'm so Proud, always Proud to be a Butler Bulldog.

Horses Horses Horses

I entered this weeks Pioneer Woman contest, the subject of which was horses.

You know what I learned? I'm a City Girl. I don't see many horses.



State Fair Horses. Beautiful, but they make me sad. I don't like seeing horses locked up. I want them to roam free! Even if they do have prettier pedicures than I do.



Carrousel Horses. Grandma Pat even joined us on the carousel last year!



Old German Horses...1991 when we went to Germany. Don't you just love my sister's rockin' jacket and hair?!



Yup, I'm a city girl. Well, a girl of the suburbs. Nothing wrong with that.

Meme from Li

People who have been tagged must write the answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new, original question. Tag eight people. Don't refuse and Don't tag who tagged you. Amy, Amy, Andrea, Suellen, Tamsin, Carrie, Carla, Elizabeth.


1) How many naked people would it take to freak you out?
2

2) What is your favorite card game?
Shanghai Rummy

3) Are the undies you're wearing right now age appropriate?
Yup...blue polka dots from Lane Bryant. ;)

4) Five things you can touch right now without getting up.
Netbook, blanket, pillow, windowsill, telephone.

5) You have to be somewhere on the fourth floor of a building. Do you take the lift/elevator?
Yes, I take the elevator. Odds are pretty good, wherever I'm going, I have a stroller, and they don't do stairs. If I was alone, at least I'd consider walking, probably wouldn't thought. ;)

6) How do you feel about your reflection?
Little soft in the middle.

7) What are you thinking about right now?
The Butler Game.

8) How young is too young to give a child sushi?
9 months, if they are old enough for rice, they can eat the rice at a sushi bar...now we waited until 1 to expose them to white fish, 2 to anything else...though they haven't been inclined to eat anything besides seaweed salad and yakitori.

9) Dog person or cat person?
Dog. I married a cat person, and became one. Kind of missing the cats lately. But I could never live in a home without a dog.

10) If you came across $2,000 (or other currency) would you keep it or turn it in?

I'd keep it for a week, letting the local authorities know...if no one came forward after a week, then Finders Keepers.

11) What was the last thing that you bought?
Breakfast and mochas from McDonald's...but we picked up a stove this afternoon Eric had purchased.

12) If you could afford to go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Massive tour of all the countries in Europe.

13) Beverage you can't live without (besides the literal and obvious "water")?
Milk...and coffee...especially together.

14) Last book you've read?
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime...or Judges in the Message.

15) What are you doing this weekend?
Today? We met Spiderman at the Children's Museum, with a Butler campus tour chaser. Now it's naps, then it's off to one of Chris's friends birthday party, then the Butler game with the Julius's. We had a house showing today, and I just got a call for another one tomorrow.

16) If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?
Electric Banjo.

17) How are you?
Fine.
Not really, but I say Fine because the answer is too big a blog post.

Fear the Glasses

Brad Stevens is a little superstitious about his glasses, we're just joining the club. Got to give a shout out to Chris for taking my picture today.

GO DAWGS!