I've been slacking on my writing for these chapters. I keep on reading, but I have not taken to time to sit down and Think. This chapter was on Relationships, and really makes you think about who and how, and all of that.
1. Can you point to key relationships in your life that pour into you and your personal journey as a mother? Of course. My relationships, with my friends, my mother, sister, mother-in-law, grandparents, father, husband... all of them have made me who I am as a mother. Some of them have given me insight of things to do, and others show me things I don't want to do as in my role as mother.
2. What differences have they made in your experience? It's funny, how much I sound like my parents now. I use phrases that used to frost my cookies, on Chris. I just caught myself this afternoon, Chris was calling "Help Mommy" for the 47 millionth time that day, in his casual tone,indicating he really didn't need help, he needed patience, for he was doing an activity I know he can do by himself. I found myself saying, "I don't need any help." Just like my father. He used to say that all the time, and OH! how it drove me nutsy, and yet here I am, telling my son the exact same thing.
3. Are there places in your life where you feel you're stranded, navigating the path alone? With Chris. Yes. Sure, I have friends and family that have been through motherhood before. Even parenthood of a high maintenance child. But sometimes, when Chris's medical issues get extremely high maintenance, yes, I feel lonely. I hesitate to use the phrase "Special Needs" Child, because it's not entirely Chris, there's so much more to him than just his technical difficulties. So I am not quite comfortable with that label, for it makes me feel even more isolated. But when we're deep in the muck and mire of the Riley days, yes, I feel isolated, and lonely. That's probably why Eric always comes with Chris and I, he's so good about that, and least we're trudging through the muck as a family.
4. What forms of support could you really use in these areas to help you flourish instead of merely survive? Pray. That keeps me sane. Lately, when I overworry, I've been waking in the night and reading the bible. Even if it's a book where there's lots of so and so was born, did this and died, at least, I'm stepping out of myself to get into the Word. I try to maintain everyday normalcy so as to not get bogged down in the dark places. Then, I blog! It's my therapy. I can vent and request prayers for Chris, for us, and I know that you all are out there reading and praying. That helps. Today, I baked cookies. Tomorrow is a Riley day, multiple appointments and whatnot, and I always get the willies on those days, so today, I blog, and I bake.
5. Are you preventing yourself from creating healthy, caring relationships by holding back parts of yourself? Nope. I have found through experience, that holding back portions of myself does no one any good, especially me. You never know who God will touch with a portion of your story. It's been amazing to me how many people are touched by Chris and his story, or moved by our struggle just to have him. It's God at work. Plain and simple. So I don't let my own fears get in the way...anymore.
6. What do you need to let go of in order to begin flourishing in your relationships. That's easy. Bitterness. I am working on forgiving, but forgetting. That's a bit harder. I have a good memory, and where part of me learned from my experiences (or mistakes) to not go there again, that's not working as a key to the forgiveness process. I need to let go of all that bitter baggage. The people that hurt me don't even realize it's there. Why should I? That's a bit harder.
