Saturday, May 9, 2015

Therapeutic Dogwoods

My Grandma passed away this week.  
I have felt terrible.  The last time I saw her in person was when Chris was 9 months old.   She never got to meet Sam and Jake in person, and that is my fault.  She and I had a falling out when she started in on Chris who was too young to defend himself.  As the years passed since then, we had come to a peace.  I sent cards and occasional pictures, and she did the same for the boys.  But I had not gone to Michigan.  After much prayer and therapy, I'd come to forgive her.  But I just couldn't go back.  But I'd finally gotten comfortable enough to go back, and we were planning on stopping in to visit when we were going to be going north for my cousin Robbie's wedding coming up this summer. But I was too late.  She passed on before I got the chance to go north.  I have to accept this.  I apologized to the boys, explaining it was my fault they hadn't gotten to meet her.  But Sam was so understanding, he told me, "Don't worry Mommy, I'll meet her, I will."  Huh?  He had to clarify, "I'll meet her in heaven." Oh yeah, leave it to him to have that thought. :)  
As it just so happened, this week was the one where I had therapy.  I've been downgraded to once a month.  I was really glad.  I'd been feeling so much guilt, even though Grandma and I had come to a peaceable place.  The rest of my family never understood why I wouldn't just cave and forget about it. I couldn't do that, not when it came my kids.  But I had decided long ago, I would take them around for just a bit.  Only the occasion to just 'pop by' in mid-Michigan hadn't come along.. until this coming summer.  I missed my chance.  Still, the boys seem ok with it.  And as my therapist brought up, that's ok, Grandma and I had come to a mutual relationship.  And really, it's not anyone else's business but between Grandma, God, and I.   And we 3 seemed to be ok with it.  

I was reinforced by this when I went to therapy, and I found this little oasis. 

Dogwoods are in bloom.  

It was a sign. 

It's all going to be ok.