Tuesday, September 24, 2013

About half

My mother tells the tale of long ago, my sister and I were fighting, as we did often.  She lost it.  "I have two wits - Nit and Half!" She nodded at each of us as she said Nit and Half.  I called out, "I'm Half!"  My mother lost it, laughed hysterically, and I have been mocked for the ages.  In my defense, in my own young mind, I thought to myself, that Nit sounded like Less Than Half.  And I didn't want to be less than a half wit, so I thought I should call dibs first.  So I called, I'm Half.  
As a parent of these 3 crazy boys, I'm pretty sure all my wits are gone.  And these days, I'd be grateful to be half.  I feel like I'm losing my mind again.  While I am a whole lot healthier than I was before the baby was born, I'm still not healthy compared to where I was a year ago.  I was able to run a year ago, and I can't now.  I can walk a bit over a mile, though I haven't felt like it in some time.  I had such hopes of being healthy by now.  I was supposed to be better by now!  
I wanted to walk the Ovarian Cancer walk.  Last year, I ran about 3 feet before my cough got the better of me.  That 'cold' was the beginning of the end, I ended up with an ear infection and bronchitis...then 2 weeks later started the bleeding that landed me on the couch for months.  Not that it wasn't worth it, it was.  Absolutely.  And I know you don't want to hear me gripe about how tired I still am, how stiff I still get, how angry I still am.  Maybe you're thinking, just Suck it up, Buttercup.  And even if you aren't saying it, I'm saying it in my head, and it makes me angry.  No one's even saying anything, but just the thought of getting judged by someone in my head makes me angry.  I'm not asking for help - I don't even know if I want help. I just want to feel better, I want to be content in my own skin, and I'm not.  I don't think it's post-partum depression, because the only one that I'm not mad at is Jacob.  Sure I get frustrated when he kicks me, or screams just a little too long, but really he doesn't know any better.  I get most angry at the people that know better.  Particularly my children.  I harbor residual anger and hurt by people that said they were my friends, that they would help me when I was down, and they didn't.  I said I understood at the time.  But you know, I really don't.  I'm still mad at where were people that should have been here.  I didn't understand the demands, how it felt to lose so much control, but I guess I thought that I had so many loved ones, that we'd be ok.  Only we weren't.  We barely scrapped by.  We did it though. And it was Thanks to those few who really stepped up and helped us, repeatedly.  But hey, look, what I've got to show for it.  This miraculous baby, who's fat and healthy and wonderful.

(He doesn't quite want to hang on to the pacifier himself, but he'll hold my hand so I can hold it for him.)

But me, I just don't feel like I'm firing on all thrusters.  I'm angry, tense, and sore. I'm tired of being broke.  I just want to grab my family and run away.  To the beach. Disneyland. I just want to get away on a vacation.  But that's not going to happen. Not at all.  And that almost makes me angrier.  I spent the greater part of 5 months dreaming about doing something fun as a family of 5.  I couldn't wait to go to the zoo, go to the beach, but I don't have the energy or the money, and I'm so tired of it.  And I'm tired.  Like, it's suddenly become official, at the ripe age of 38, I'm Old.   Again, so sore, tired, grumpy.  I'm an old curmudgeon.    I cry when I think of the days when I was 21 and could do things, and when I was pain-free.  I can barely remember being painfree.  I remember doing things, but I don't remember what it's like to be pain-free.  That's just sad.
But maybe it's not so much that I'm angry about losing a year, but sad, grief stricken about losing a year, struggling with family drama, and about having just a really crappy year.  Too many of my loved ones have been dealing with illness or loss.  Looking back where I was a year ago, the bottom fell out on our family when Kaylee got sick, then Mom W and I got sick.  And here we are, past all of it.  I feel like I should be happier.  But I feel less so lately.  Though we're never really "happy" all the time.  Blessed - Always.  Happy, not so much.  I feel like I'm about half happy.  So after all, I still have dibs on Half.


Unknown said...

Cathy, I know the feeling. October is when this starts for me. It may be PPD. Pain and anger are both symptoms. Talk with your doctor. On the plus side you get out a lot more than I do and have a ton more playdates, which implies you have a lot of friends.