Monday, August 25, 2008

My heart hurts

You all know I'm a blog stalker, if you have names in the sides of your columns, I visit them. I rarely talk, but I visit, unless you have a million like Jen. Anyway, a friend of mine used to live in Minnesota. She brought a blog to my attention this past spring, in prayer request, this baby they said he wasn't going to survive to 25 weeks in utero, and was born full term, but with heart problems. He had some heart surgery right off, and ended up getting a g-tube the same weekend that Chris did. They had to do a rather drastic cardiac surgery last week, and I tried to follow and keep up, but we'd been so busy, I'd missed a few days of posting. When I hopped on the this morning, this baby, Johnathon David, all of 4 months old, had passed away yesterday due to complications from surgery. It's been heavy on my heart all day.

My heart hurts for this family.

They have a daughter Chris's age, and last week, they took her into the Infant ICU, and she was giving him love, and was so upset to leave, that she called him just to say goodnight; it just broke my heart. I think of them, and think of Chris.

I really am so blessed. All this drama with Chris, I don't think his life has been in danger, ok we were scared when he stopped breathing in the NICU post-op a couple times due to his morphine allergy. But still, not life-threatening, not in the short term. Not like this. It stops my heart to think that something could take my baby away from me...or even this baby I carry. I've been asked multiple times by family over the last few days, if I want a girl or a boy. With all my heart, I just say, I want healthy! This becomes so much more important and prominent in my heart and mind today. The kicker is, I didn't even know this family, friends of friend of a friend, and I just read their story, and now I do know them. Now my heart aches for them.

My head knows God can call our babies or any of us home anytime, that it's all part of his plan, but still, it seems that He's been stocking up on Little Angels lately. That hurts my heart, for all of those left behind.

So, today we took it easy. We had already decided to stay home. Chris chose, he told me I want to stay home, given the opportunity to see friends. That was fine. I wanted some quiet non-tv time, so we took a walk just on our street. It was one of those moments, you know, where time stops, and you just want to preserve it in a little jar. Maybe the grass was a bit greener, the breeze a bit cooler, a beautiful day to treasure the miracle of life just for us. We walked down to the bench by the pond, holding hands; Chris told me to sit down next to him, so I did. Then we got up and walked around a bit more, looking for flowers and bees and butterflies. I sat down backwards on the bench, facing the street, he got upset, and he told me Upside Down Bottoms! I laughed so hard. He meant My Bottom was backwards, but he told me Upside Down Bottoms. It was good just to walk in the sun, hold his hand. Our lunch consisted of fresh strawberries, juicy and warm, fresh picked from our garden. And we cuddled.

So, now, I'm going to go sit with him, and maybe sew, but just cuddle a bit more. I just feel a little bit extra need to hold his beautiful Healthy Hand right now.


Kathy said...

aww how sad :(

Jenibug7 said...

I will add that family to my prayer list. And the cool thing about stalking my bloggers is that the list is updated to who has posted most recently. So you really don't have to keep up with everyone. lol Jenna really appreciated the comment you left on her blog though!

SuperSillyAunt said...

He is a special little man...that Christopher. I know the focus was mostly on Karl and Erica this weekend, but I just could not get enough of watching the cutest cousins playing together! It's been way too long and I'm so happy that Christopher and Kaylee will be in school together so they can build on that strong bond that they already have! Not to mention how tickled I am that you are giving them another cousin! Just think of how much fun THAT'S going to be!!!

SuperSillyAunt said...
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Carrie said...

That makes my heart hurt too.. and I don't even know the family. For me, it took having a child to fully understand how very precious life is, especially one that small. I'll give MY 4 month old baby a big hug when I get home tonight.