Thursday, July 3, 2008


I feel silly, I dislike Fridays now. I mean, it's like the end of the week should be happy, a couple of days with Eric and Chris, all together, I should be happy. But I'm not.
I'm frustrated. Today's Gastric Emptying test was a yicky one. They strapped him to a table and he clung to our hands for an hour. It was like an MRI, but not as noisy, well, with a soundtrack of Elmo. But I feel silly for wanting my results right now, silly for being overprotective, and worrying so much. What do you expect, a doctor to report everything the day before a holiday weekend? Actually, yes, that’s what I would like, but unrealistic, and it’s not like anything is going to change immediately. That’s one thing I hate about Fridays, for us, medical stuff always occurs on Fridays, and people want to go home, and not answer my questions, and not fix the baby, and life has moved on by the time they get back to me. I've been there, I was a working girl wanting to go home too, and you know what, come to think of it, I was always late on Fridays, trying to get lab results out to people.
Chris's test today came back normal, but not perfectly normal. I am frustrated by this. I hate normal. Normal results are hooey. All that means is that it wasn't what that test thought it might be. So now, that means there will have to be more tests. I know something is still not right. I carry this guilt over subjecting Chris to more testing. But I made the decision this spring after he wasn't gaining weight for a year he only gained 2 pounds, and the first test they did, Bam, Silent Aspirator. OK, maybe what frustrates me is that though now we have a diagnosis, it's not fixed, he's not fixed, and they're not fixing it. Nothing's really changed. Yeah, he gained 2 pounds as soon as they put the g-tube, but now his weight gain has stopped; it takes forever to feed him. He's fed up at sitting bored at the table. The things he actually does want to eat, we can't give him. G-tube was supposed to make it easier, and it's just not.
I've been experiencing creeping jealousy of people with healthy children, where the biggest question of the day or week this summer is beach or pool? I am getting a bit tired of being at the hospital or having therapy week after week. We try to schedule fun, but my mind is elsewhere and I am not sharing in the fun. One of Chris's therapists this week mentioned that at 2 1/2, some kids get "therapy burnout". I wonder if I may be getting Therapy Burnout. Or maybe I am just getting tired of not knowing what's the matter. Then again, it's after midnight, maybe I'm just tired.


amypfan said...

You are completely allowed to have Therapy Burnout and to be tired. Chris is a trooper, and so are you. Any time you want to schedule some fun, just let us know.